French Fries: A Contentious Debate

Posted On March 23, 2019

So I’ve been on hiatus from writing, the other 2 pieces I’m publishing today will no doubt also mention this! But honestly, this piece right here, is what got me to get back to working on my blog! I hope it was worth it!

So, pardon my French but I’m totally fried out by a recent bit of Facebook drama(pronounced: Drraaamaaaaaaaa!) You see folks I recently took it upon myself to rank all the different types of french fries, did I do a good job? Maybe! Did people on my Facebook feed think so?

No. The answer is no.

For those of you unfamiliar with a Tier List, the premise is quite simple. You take a group of related things, in this case french fries, you evaluate them and then you put them in their graded tier. The common Tier system follows an alphabetical American grading format with the one exception being that the highest tier is “S-Tier”. This is derived from videogame culture specifically in Japan where getting below a C was considered failure in school so the video game designers wanted to give the kiddos a wider range of achievement… i guess?(research?) My Tier list was made on this site https://tiermaker.com/ and it limited my pictures and fry options to the ones I used on my tier list. Tbh, I was at the gym, vaguely remember two of my buddies talking about making a tier list for Seinfeld( I know, what a fantastic idea), and I wanted to make a benign tier list about fries. Why did I do this though, do I really love fries? No… not really, I mean waffle fries and tots are dank but generally I’d prefer a vegetable as a side because I try to keep my diet a little more veggie heavy. I did this because tier lists are just kind of fun, it’s very human of me to enjoy this. Human beings have a higher brain function and a different psychology than most animals, we can evaluate, understand, and memorize things and develop our thoughts farther along and communicate these thoughts. Tier lists are memorizing and understanding each subject, evaluating their worth, and developing this information into an easy to communicate format. Its honestly what people do naturally, we just don’t always write it down. But we definitely could, and in this case I did. About Fries, Did all the human stuff with fries. Humanly fry rating, fryrate? Frirate? If a pirate was made of fries would he/she/they/(other pronoun) consider themselves a Fryrate? Asking for a friend!

So…. You wanna see the Timwitted Genius certified extremely subjective opinion on the empirically correct tier listing of fries? Here you go kiddo!

Right? This is a pretty legit Fry Tier list! Is it perfect? No! It can’t be, humans are inherently flawed and culinary preference is extremely subjective. For instance my coworker wouldn’t try braised ox tail and thought that was such a weird foreign gross idea! I personally would eat most anything from a spikey jackfruit manipulated into vegan pulled pork or the classic odd food of a Rocky mountain oyster! However I WOULD FUCKING NEVER EAT CRINKLE CUT FRIES, unless like that’s all there was to eat… again i do not feel that strongly about fries. But seriously though, fuck crinkle cuts.

So my one caveat for this list of fries is that cheese fries shouldn’t be present. Much like a fry being crispy or soggy, or having ketchup or gravy to dip in. Adding cheese makes it better. All of the fries on the list from steak fries to tots to waffle fries would be bumped up tier(s) for having cheese on them. The app I used demanded I use all of it’s fry stock photos and cheese fry was one of them. Adding cheese to anything makes it a bazillion times better, ergo, cheese fries are S-Tier.

Now that you’ve digested my fry tier list let’s talk about how my lovely friends and family pounced on the opportunity to tell me I’m wrong!

**I stand by this challenge to fisticuffs**

**I literally can’t comprehend how there isn’t a religion devoted to tots**

**The gif I replied with says get out! see below**

via GIPHY

**I’m not gonna show this gif, Daniel Devito’s condemnation of potato wedges is clear as day**

I‘m not naming people in this, but like if I see this old friend in person like 10 years from now, I will calmly approach him, bat in hand, and state way too loudly ” GOT A PROBLEM WITH SMILEYS BRUH???” and end him. ahem, iI mean hug him? Yeah that sounds believable. I hope this caption feature comes out good…

**A lot of smiley hate, a lot of people who’s parents clearly didn’t love them…**

**To remind you, I posted about getting a new job this summer and got less response than my fucking french fry list…**

**“The Accidental Curly” Is the stuff of legend.**

This is a father son team up in questioning the shit out of me, also not even what they’d change just that I’m wrong, this is akin to someone not swimming well and you just going, “hey you’re doing that wrong” and walkin / swimming / boating? away? yes? question mark?

**Here i explain why they are in fact awful.**

go re-**read how I ended my explanation, I couldn’t resist!**

via GIPHY

**I… I don’t even know fam, WHY DO YOU ALL KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT FRENCH FRIES**

**I… THIS BLOG POST IS SO EMOTIONALLY DRAINING! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!**

**LITERALLY WHY ARE ANY OF US THIS PASSIONATE ABOUT FRIED VERSIONS OF POTATOES!!!!??????!?!??!?!?!?**

**I’m not naming names, but this is my younger brother Steve. The post feed is killing me as well dear brother.**

**Fair, but I hope you all choke on your non-smiley fries, you stupid mongrels**

And that’s the way the French fries! You got a hot take on the fries and my tier list? ~~Come at me bucko, you have my social media links on this blog, and I have a comment section! And a contact page! Let me hear your takes!~~

Keep them to yourselves you monster. oh also check out TierZoo on youtube, great content if you’re into biology and zoology but also play competitive video games and like tier lists. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHsRtomD4twRf5WVHHk-cMw

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